Fighting the good fight...alone.

I try to keep things positive in this blog as much as I can. I think there's enough negativity going around in the world (mostly played up by the media, especially popular music).

This is not one of those times. If you're in a good mood and would like to stay that way, I invite you to skip the following entry.

I just sometimes can't help but feel this insane despair like I'm trying to fight a desperate fight by myself. Without getting too personal, I'm in a particularly tough situation that consumes my every thought from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. It's something I'm being asked to accept that I can't, and won't, accept.

This has lead me to break commitments, to not even make commitments I want to make, and generally to live a life I don't want to live. This is extremely frustrating since one of the things I've worked on the hardest in the last year to two years is being more reliable. Others can see it from the outside looking in, but only a very few in the know can grasp the true magnitude of how all-consuming this really is.

For some people, friends are just a minor accessory to their lives and play a very small role. For me, I need a lot of face time with friends to be a happy person. I won't get into too many details of the who's and the why's, but it's now nearly impossible to get out and see my friends at the normal social functions without a significant degree of emotional pain attached. This completely destroys the purpose of even going. Often, I choose not to go so as not to deal with the unpleasantry and guilt associated with doing so. I'm then very upset / angry / resentful, which leads to more terrible feelings. This is the proverbial "Catch 22" that Heller wrote about so eloquently in his novella.

There IS a purpose to this entry, and it's not just random complaining. This paves the way for me to publish one expounding upon my own personal flaws. Not only am I very good at manipulating others, but I am also very susceptible to the same manipulations if performed in a certain fashion. Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do, as so far the usual avenues of normal conversation (which have since progressed to full-on violently angry shit fits) haven't worked more than a smidge. I feel very alone in this fight, and worse yet, like my friends feel abandoned by me.

I'll write more when I have the patience to do so. Have a good Sunday everyone.