Fighting the good fight...alone.

I try to keep things positive in this blog as much as I can. I think there's enough negativity going around in the world (mostly played up by the media, especially popular music).

This is not one of those times. If you're in a good mood and would like to stay that way, I invite you to skip the following entry.

I just sometimes can't help but feel this insane despair like I'm trying to fight a desperate fight by myself. Without getting too personal, I'm in a particularly tough situation that consumes my every thought from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. It's something I'm being asked to accept that I can't, and won't, accept.

This has lead me to break commitments, to not even make commitments I want to make, and generally to live a life I don't want to live. This is extremely frustrating since one of the things I've worked on the hardest in the last year to two years is being more reliable. Others can see it from the outside looking in, but only a very few in the know can grasp the true magnitude of how all-consuming this really is.

For some people, friends are just a minor accessory to their lives and play a very small role. For me, I need a lot of face time with friends to be a happy person. I won't get into too many details of the who's and the why's, but it's now nearly impossible to get out and see my friends at the normal social functions without a significant degree of emotional pain attached. This completely destroys the purpose of even going. Often, I choose not to go so as not to deal with the unpleasantry and guilt associated with doing so. I'm then very upset / angry / resentful, which leads to more terrible feelings. This is the proverbial "Catch 22" that Heller wrote about so eloquently in his novella.

There IS a purpose to this entry, and it's not just random complaining. This paves the way for me to publish one expounding upon my own personal flaws. Not only am I very good at manipulating others, but I am also very susceptible to the same manipulations if performed in a certain fashion. Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do, as so far the usual avenues of normal conversation (which have since progressed to full-on violently angry shit fits) haven't worked more than a smidge. I feel very alone in this fight, and worse yet, like my friends feel abandoned by me.

I'll write more when I have the patience to do so. Have a good Sunday everyone.

League of Legends: a review

I've always had a special love for video / computer games, but especially competitive, online ones. The game that's captured my attention (and that of several close friends) lately has been League of Legends. For those unfamiliar, it's a game based on the Warcraft 3 custom map Defense of the Ancients, or DotA for short. You have two camps of 5 players facing off, with each trying to destroy the buildings in the other's base. Whichever camp kills the other's main building (Nexus) first wins. Every so often a wave of units will spawn and attack in the direction of the other camp's base in one of three preset lanes which both teams have protective attack towers in. Each player (called a summoner) controls one unit, called a Champion, that they choose before the game. This champion is free to move about the map anywhere and utilizes various skills and attacks to destroy units, buildings, and enemy Champions. Your summoner gains experience and "influence points" that can be used to purchase runes (which augment your champion's skills during the game) or other champions after each game (more for a win than a loss).

So what are the pros and cons of this game? Here is my quick breakdown:

Pros:

-The Built-in matchmaking system makes it easy to find a 5v5 game with those of similar skill levels. The system is a work in progress and mismatches still occur, but even good players play poorly sometimes. Human error ensures that no analytical system is ever perfect.

-The Arranged team feature makes it simple to get all your friends in the same game AND make sure that you all end up on the same team. That, coupled with the matchmaking system, ensures that your team of 5 (for example) ends up against a similarly constructed team of 5. Nobody likes a blowout.

-The surrender feature ensures that no games go excessively long when the outcome is a foregone conclusion. I wish it was 20 minutes instead of 25 since it requires a 4-1 majority to invoke, but this is still a smart enough inclusion that I mark it a 'pro.'

-The runebook rewards players for leveling up a particular summoner and makes them more effective in game as slots are added for new runes each level.

-The in-game store is one of the coolest features I've ever seen. You can either use Riot Points (which cost money) or Influence Points to unlock certain products within the game.

-New content is introduced often. The Riot Games staff works hard to ensure that the servers are up, release patches about once a week, and includes new bundled features like Champions plus skins for Riot points. Feedback is encouraged on the forums, and the developers actually read the forums (how about that!)

Cons:

-Mismatches in the matchmaking system seem to occur quite often. The most glaring problem is that the game assumes an arranged team, even at level, say, 2, is of equivalent skill to a team of five level 30s that don't know eachother. To me, this is a gross overestimation as not many people are going to pubstomp at this stage of the game.

-Server downtime has been a frustration, though minor. As bugs are worked out of the game, hopefully this will be self-limiting

-Queue dodging one of the frustrating aspects of the game is that someone can simply skip the queue at champion selection if the one they wanted is gone.

-Inability to change in-game name is a minor problem, but rather annoying since you are stuck with the name you pick with no option to change it. A nice solution might be an option for IP or RP to change your name, maybe once per account maximum.

Overall, the game is extremely fun and I give it a 10/10.

The blessing & curse of my NF temperment

As I talked about in a previous post, my MBTI personality type is ENFP. The primary "mode" or "temperment" of this personality type is NF, or extraverted iNtuition with introverted Feeling. This means my primary modus operandi is to take in information via my intuitive capabilities and then turn that into an internalized feeling. One of the great strengths of this personality type is the capability to "read" people - using precisely this largely unconscious methodology.

The beauty of the NF temperment can be illustrated by an anecdote that I saw posted on an MBTI forum I read often:

"I dated an ISTP, and I knew he loved me before he did."

Our intuition is so strong that we can often read others quickly and adeptly. This has helped a great many NF's in careers such as sales, where quick reads and the ability to adapt on the fly are of great benefit.

Unfortunately, the same NF characteristics that allow us to get a quick "hot read" on a situation are the ones that can torture us the most. The intuitive tendencies of the NF can be so strong that we tend to overanalyze and 'read into' every situation and talk/think it to death. I can only imagine that his has to drive less introspective types up a wall. Even worse, NF's are hypersensitive to any kind of emotional rejection from people important to us.

The NFP's are the worst (ENFP/INFP) at this. The reason for this is that both personality types are very poor at applying a judgement or meaning to their intuition and are likely to 'assume the worst' situation, when quite often this is not true.

A perfect example is a phone conversation with a friend I recently had. We have something coming up soon, and during our talk I got a very strong vibe that he was annoyed that I called and did not want to talk, even though I told him I'd give him a call to firm up plans. This person has been a great friend and I have nothing but good things to say about him. The problem is, my brain views this as rejection and then speculates "maybe there's something deeper he's annoyed with." "It's probably you." "You're being a pain in the ass." "Stay out of his way, he has his own life to deal with and you're another irritation."

In reality, he's probably busy, or didn't feel annoyed at all and I misread it. There most likely is no deeper meaning (especially with his personality type - it's so maddening to correctly intuit them even though your brain wants to so badly because they just don't give you emotional reads at all. I call it 'poker face.' Hold the Lady Gaga references please)...it is in all likelihood my own insecurity and fear of rejection. Strangely, unlike most NF's, it only applies to people I care about. Rejection from others, while off-putting and a little hurtful, isn't something I'll think about at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. However, with people that matter, it can be and has been crippling.

ENFPs especially seem to always feel like the people in their life matter more to them than they matter to the people in their life. I know I personally feel this way - and have felt this way - for a long time. The only people who I don't feel this way at all about are my wife and my parents. Any friends who are reading this - I don't love you any less. I'm not upset with you. I just feel like you're more important to me than I am to you, and it has nothing to do with who you are or what you do - it's my own personality type. Please understand this. I strongly dislike feeling this way, and the worst thing in the world would be for you to think I was passing judgement on you or blaming you.

I always feel like I want to see all the people that are important to me every day, and it's unfair for me to expect that of others (especially the more introverted types), so I don't. I'm sure I think about you more than you all think about me, but that's just how I am. Important people are on my mind a great deal of the time, even when I haven't seen them in a long time.

A great personal difficulty is keeping this intuitive uncertainty from occupying my mind all the time when there are so many more important things to do. The crazy thing is, while I cognitively understand this, I find it nearly impossible to put into action on an emotional level. Writing things down to organize my thoughts is immensely helpful, though.

It's hard not to be "in your face" all the time if I care about you, but I guess that means I just love you all the more. Right? Right. :)

Maximizing talent: using your gifts to their fullest potential

Have you ever wondered why the prevailing attitude in life seems to be "90% of people don't like their jobs, but have to do them to survive?"

After a good deal of thinking about the subject, I've drawn a few conclusions of my own as to why so many people find themselves in unfulfilling careers. While it's true that "the world needs janitors, fast food workers, and garbage men," my target audience here are those people that have enough intelligence, education, and resources available to them to choose which field they would like to get into.

So if someone has all of these resources at their disposal, why then do they end up in careers that don't suit them and play to their strengths?

1. Studies have shown that income level has very little bearing on career fulfillment. Surprising though it may be, a large salary often does not make up for a poor-fit career.
2. Often people place too much emphasis on salary and too little on a career that fits their particular skillset.
3. Every career will involve some degree of menial tasks. Since this is true, every career will involve some degree of boredom.
4. By and large, interpersonal relationships determine career fulfillment. If you work with supportive, friendly people, your job will be more fulfilling no matter WHAT it is.
5. Work-life balance are much more important than modern employers give credit to. Many are finally realizing this. Even a great career turns into a nightmare if it takes 100 hours per week.

Therefore, the key is to find a career that is both challenging and utilizes the particular skills that play to that worker's strengths. How does one do that? Simple. Don't be afraid to switch careers. Often people end up feeling "stuck" in a job they're in because staying put is easier than moving on. This is the same reason that a lot of individuals stay in relationships that don't work for them. Staying and being miserable isn't easy, but at least it's familiar and you've "figured it out." Eliminating uncertainty is often easier than venturing out into the great unknown, but it is not often a good long-term solution. The old adage "nothing ventured nothing gained" is completely true. Sure, once in a great while you mise, but most people with unfulfilling careers have chosen to be in that situation.

Think of workers as potential gamblers walking into a casino. Gambler A, Gambler B, and Gambler C walk into the casino at the same time.

Gambler A looks around, has a drink, and surveys the situation. She makes the rounds and watches the dealers at every table. Before she even went inside she read up on all the games and figured out her betting style. Based on these criteria, she sits down at the Blackjack table and walks out with twice the money she went in with. She spends the rest of her vacation with her family. She goes home with a smile on her face and decent winnings.

Gambler B sits down at the first available poker table because he sees the words "high stakes" and begins playing. While he manages to win a great deal of money, he spends his entire vacation sitting at the table playing poker. He leaves feeling monetarily successful but empty as he has ignored his family the entire time and did not have much of a vacation at all.

Gambler C sits down at the 50cents/$1 buy-in hold'em table, the lowest stakes table available. He starts playing, wins a little, loses a little, but overall comes out slightly ahead. He sees other tables, sees other people winning, wants to move, but feels he's at the table that's the safe bet.

Which gambler do you think is the happiest? The moral is, take appropriate risks and balance the parts of your life appropriately. I feel this is the secret to a fulfilling career.

MOAR posts!

One of the things I want to do -and have wanted to do for a while- is to post more in this blog.

That said, I'm going to try to make a lot more effort to write in this than I have in the past. No more once-a-month posting. I should post at least once a week - and hopefully much more.

Anyway, have a great day and hopefully I'll do more writing soon :)

Side note: If anyone knows how to post a full-width image without the stupid blogspot text window cutting it off, please tell me! It's my biggest annoyance with this site and I've tried changing the layout 100 different ways with no luck.